My Footballers' Wives diary, by Joan Collins...
My agent Peter Charlesworth calls me in the South of France enquiring if I want to guest-star in Footballers' Wives. I have seen the show and think it could be fun, depending on the role.
"They'll tailor it for you," he says. "Well, let's wait and see," I reply. The outline of the script arrives a few days later. I like it and say yes.
I meet the two producers, Brian Park and Cameron Roach, for lunch at The Ivy. Christopher Biggins shrieks across the room: "Oh, darling. So you are doing Footballers' Wives?"
Biggins is the ears and eyes of London, so I tell the producers that if they'd wanted to keep my role a secret, the cat was now out of the bag. They want me to play Eva De Wolffe - an evil, rich, manipulating bitch who runs Glam magazine. "I think I can play that sort of role," I tell them, "but it may be a stretch."
Back in NY. The script arrives and it's quite good. There's a good deal of Alexis Carrington Colby in dear Eva - why change the habits of a lifetime? All is agreed and Percy [Joan's husband] and I will fly to London on October 3.
Stylist Sarah Arthur brings 30 outfits to my London flat. Some are chic, some god-awful. Spend six hours trying on clothes - a record even for a devout shopper like me.
Decide on five 'looks', including a truly devilish black leather jacket and pencil skirt with red blouse. Then off to Philip Treacy for hats (£2,600 for a straw hat - how does Camilla manage?). Then to Neil Cunningham's atelier for the grand evening dress.
I'm suffering from jet lag (in the past ten days Percy and I have been in London, Glasgow, Wales, London, LA, San Diego, LA, New York and back to London) so collapse for a long nap afterwards.
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| Joan on set with Zoe Lucker & Jay Rodan |
Up early to promote the show on ITV's Loose Women only to discover-there are two limos outside. We pick the one that seems to know who we are, but as we head through Parliament Square we get a panic call from the Footballers' Wives office. Apparently the other car was also for us.
How many cars can a woman have? These guys must be dripping with money! Pity the salaries don't reflect that. English TV salaries are a joke compared with American ones. How actors survive I can't imagine. I thoroughly enjoy making my opinions known on Loose Women.
Then it's off to meet Alyn, the makeup man, and Jan Archibald, who does my hair. Eva will basically be Alexis with longer, lighter and looser hair. Claudette Colbert had the same hair and make-up throughout her career, so I don't see why it won't work for me.
Give Alyn 10 pairs of eyelashes I bought in NY for $45 (£25) - he is stunned by how cheap they were. Everything there seems to be half the price that it is in Britain.
He gives me cash on the spot - very nice and sooo unusual. Most production companies are tight as ticks and make you wait months before they reimburse you, if at all.
When I did Guiding Light in America a few years ago, the fat female producer gloated about deducting car expenses out of my salary, even though they were supposed to pay. It wasn't worth the aggravation of a lawsuit.
Off to meet Eva's nemesis, the shockingly naughty Tanya Turner, played by Zoe Lucker. She's such a fabulous bitch on the show -so common, coarse and cheap - that I wonder if there'll be a touch of that in person.
I give a lot of thought to what to wear and finally decide on the suit I bought at Saks last month - lightweight grey tweed with contrasting lapels, belt and knee-length skirt. No tights, as my legs are tanned, and, of course, a hat - the white felt one I bought at the St Tropez market for a few euros, but looks really expensive (sorry, Philip).
Arrive at San Lorenzo at one minute past one (not late, not early, just right). Zoe and the two producers Brian and Cameron are waiting at the bar. The two bitches are about to meet.
A paparazzo outside asks for a photo, promising it will be featured prominently. Zoe is pretty, quite tanned (real or fake?) and is wearing a black pantsuit with beaucoup de cleavage. We pose for the photographer before lunch and get on like a house on fire.
Many actors and actresses I've worked with have shown palpable antipathy at the first meeting, but Zoe is warm, funny, smart and chic - not at all like Tanya.
She has amazing nails - white-tipped French-manicured, about 2in long.
"How do you wash your hair?" I ask. "Very carefully," she replies. "They're fake and I can't wait to take them off at the end of each season."
It's quite rare for two prominent actresses to enjoy each other's company so much, but we certainly do.
Shoot an important scene with Paulo, in which I fall over because Tanya has sawed my stiletto heel.
He's supposed to rush to my side to help me and find out if I'm all right. Frankly, he doesn't look the least concerned and the director has to ask him for several takes. Back home again 12 hours later, with a sore bum.
I'm beginning to become concerned that Paulo is too inexperienced to play such a complex and tortured character.
We shoot the airport scene in a gorgeous office building in Docklands that's been empty for years (what a waste). My character, Eva, catches Paulo with Tanya at airport arrivals. After a tiny altercation, I leave to organise the bags, while he stays behind and furtively kisses her.
When I bark: "Paulo, I'm waiting!" in my best grand-bitch manner, he doesn't even flinch, which I find odd because he's supposed to be terrified of me. We discuss this with David, the director, but on the next take Paulo still meanders over with a casual expression.
If he doesn't become more cowed, the whole storyline doesn't lead to the climax it needs. I speak to the producer about this and he agrees.
I'm called for 2.15pm. I'm thankful for not having another early morning, but I don't set foot on set until 7pm. I'm a bit agitated as it is the annual gala evening of The Shooting Star Children's Hospice, of which I'm a patron. I'm auctioning a lunch with Zoe and me on the set of Footballers' Wives, so I can't miss it.
I'm supposed to be there at 10pm and the assistant director assures me we will stop shooting then, but there are miles of scenes to go and I can't see how they'll make it.
Percy and my daughter Katy hang around in the Winnebago eating chocolates and drinking tea. Finally I'm called on set to play a restaurant scene with Tanya and Paulo.
He plays it rather well and we do some interesting improvisation - things are looking up. We now seem to be shooting the scenes in one take, so I'm wondering what took so long before.
We break at 9.55pm. Percy and I rush over to The Dorchester in time for the auction, where lunch with Zoe and me commands the highest bid - £30,000. I am thrilled.
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| Joan with Jay ( Paolo ) shooting restaurant scene.. |
The director spends so much time thinking about the shots each morning that we end up rushing big scenes to finish on schedule.
Today I have four tricky scenes, and by 6.30pm we still haven't started the final two. If they hadn't filmed me picking up a set of keys from every conceivable angle in the morning, we'd have more time for the truly meaty moments.
For the last scene - I'm in a bathrobe being massaged by a young hunk - I'm not even given enough time to take off my elaborate makeup and replace it with simpler makeup and turban - infinitely more believable. It's all rush, rush, rush.
They keep congratulating me because I'm so fast, but I feel slightly taken advantage of. "Thanks," I smile. "But I'm not too happy about filming
an entire page of dialogue in a single take because it's five minutes to quitting time."
This is more pressure than Dynasty but not nearly as much as Guiding Light, where the actors were shoved around like mannequins and learned up to 40 pages of dialogue for each day's shooting. This is heaven compared with that.
For the big auction scene, where Eva outbids Tanya for Paulo, we do about 9,000 set-ups from every angle.
They are surprised by my surprise that no one has stand-ins to take their places while the technicians fiddle with lights and cameras. Actually, I do have a stand-in, but I'm too embarrassed to use her.
Auction scene all day long. Have an interesting scene with Zoe, where I get to use the f-word. "We're only allowed one f-word per season," says Cameron, the producer, "and we're giving it to you." I'm honoured.
Arrive at Roger Moore's birthday party at Lundens restaurant at 9pm and everyone (Michael and Shakira Caine, the Forsyths, Michael Winner et al) is already seated - very embarrassing. Leave apologetically at 10.45 to try to get at least seven hours' shuteye. They all know what it's like.
Today is stunt day. We've all been nervous because I have to slap Zoe hard, throw a martini in her face, then attempt to strangle her. I've "slapped" people hundreds of times on camera and I'm quite good at faking it.
The trick is to whip the hand so fast by the actor's face that the camera can't capture that it hasn't connected. Zoe helps admirably, snapping her head back with split-second precision, each time yelling: "S***! You bitch!"
It's quite different from the time June Allyson had to slap me for The Opposite Sex. She didn't pretend, walloped off my earrings and eyelashes, and gave my cheek such a bruise that I couldn't work for three days.
We start the stunt before lunch and do so many takes that by 7pm we still have loads more to do, and I've only done one long shot of me strangling Zoe. We giggle like schoolgirls through rehearsals. Zoe is a true professional, a really lovely person and great fun. It's always good to make a new friend from each movie or play and I think Zoe's the one on this one.
Percy and I ask her for dinner when we return to London - I'd really like to continue the friendship.
We are supposed to finish shooting the martini-throwingwall-strangling, bitch-slapping scene before lunch but miss that deadline by a mile.
Director David wants me to throw the martini into the camera lens while still glaring at Zoe. I tell him my aim is appalling and she'll probably get it in the face instead.
Zoe is wearing a suede jacket - the only one - so even if I had perfect aim it would splash the jacket. "I tell you what," says David. "Just as you say your line, we'll slide a plastic barrier in front of Zoe's face and you'll throw it at that."
"You've got to be kidding!" Zoe and I shriek. They finally decide to do what I suggested in the first place - cut camera before throwing the martini, cover the lens with a waterproof, put an X next to the camera where Zoe was, and I chuck the martini and spit my line at the X. It works perfectly, natch - that's what we always did on Dynasty.
The last part of the scene is rather flat. Paulo has a long speech in which he is supposed to emerge from the semi-hypnotised state Eva has had him in for years. "It's over, Eva, finished,
I'm never seeing you again, blah, blah, blah." But Paulo seems to have a problem. There's no difference in him being under Eva's spell and breaking free of it. This is such a great acting opportunity - to change from deeply troubled and brainwashed to freedom and independence - but I don't think he makes it work.
It's a challenging scene, so maybe even Robert de Niro couldn't have cut it. I try to make up by doing a full Bette Davis swoosh after screaming: "You're a pathetic excuse for a man -you deserve each other. You're both ten-a-penny, but there'll only ever be one Eva De Wolffe, and don't you forget it!" Tara-ra!
After the break we film an earlier scene where Paulo gets out of the pool at breakfast and nuzzles my neck. I am surprised to see he has skinny legs because I always thought footballers had strong, muscular legs, but who am I to question the great minds of casting directors?
I guess it would be slightly distasteful these days to ask actors to drop their trousers while auditioning, but they've been asking actresses to do it for years.
My assistant Paul, who is driving-today, gets lost in the wilds of Hackney en route to the Empire theatre, where we're shooting the pivotal opera-box scene.
Zoe and I share the only dressing room, while Paulo gets p***** off because he has to sit in the auditorium with the extras. He becomes quite arrogant, saying: "Why does she (meaning me, not Zoe) have a changing room and not me?"
"Because Joan has a huge ball gown to change into," the assistant director icily explains. Paulo does not seem placated.
We read through the scene where he is supposed to choke on his champagne when he sees Tanya in the opposite box while sitting with me. "I'm not doing that," he says, "it's ridiculous."
"So what will you do when you see Tanya?" asks David.
"You'll see. But I'm not spitting into my champagne."
So we sit in our box sipping champagne and David asks Paulo if he's noticed Tanya yet, since he hasn't shown any apparent reaction ( Footballers' Wives prides itself on being OTT).
After several shots, I suggest how he might react when he sees Tanya, but he gives me a dismissive, withering look, worthy of Alexis, which I find quite rude. Acting protocol dictates that if an actor gives another a suggestion (and I don't condone it unless the situation is dire, which this was fast becoming), one doesn't have to take the advice, but it should be acknowledged as a gesture of goodwill.
One of the producers tells me: "I can't believe that. I saw it all on camera. There you were, giving him advice, and he practically ignored you."
I shrug: "He's young. He'll learn, I guess."
"He'd better," says the producer, "otherwise he won't be on this show much longer."
Later we film a scene in the corridor outside Zoe's box, where I find the two of them almost in flagrante, and I become cutting and sarcastic. Zoe reacts beautifully, while Paulo's response is only to sink his head into his hands. No emotion, no reaction - another wasted opportunity.
So ends my sojourn on Footballers' Wives. It was a hoot and I enjoyed it enormously, in spite of the lack of sleep. The cast are great with one tiny exception, and the crew are a terrific bunch of professionals.
The producer presents me with a bunch of flowers and says he hopes I'll be back - me too.
They should not have heard the last of Miss Eva De Wolffe.
The series was available in individual seasons on dvd, but these releases are no longer available.. However you can order the complete series from Acorn Media at the following link ...
ORDER FOOTBALLERS WIVES COMPLETE SERES ON DVD HERE..
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