BETWEEN THE COVERS : JOAN IS A PROMINENT PART OF JULIAN'S PASSAGE!

This week's excerpt comes from the wonderful 2005 autobiography 'A Young Man's Passage' by the fabulous Julian Clary. Julian hit the big time in the 80's on the comedy circuit as The Joan Collins Fan Club. Little did he know then, that many years later he would be co-starring with Joan in panto! Now both are best of friends.. This excerpt from the book relates how Julian came to be The Joan Collins Fan Club.. Up to that point one of his guises was a kaftan wearing faith healer called Gillian Pie-Face!

JULIAN AS THE JOAN COLLINS FAN CLUB WITH SIDEKICK FANNY!

One day the holdall containing the Gillian Pie-Face costume, wig, props and all was stolen from the back of the van. The thief was probably more upset than I was with his booty. I didn't bother to report it. Gillian was getting on my nerves. I had a bath and thought how I should proceed with the act. Female impersonation wasn't what I wanted to do, but glamour and make-up were. My make-up application had grown particularly extreme, verging on the grotesque. I jumped out of the bath quickly because Dynasty was on. By the time I'd dried myself, all had become clear. I would call myself The Joan Collins Fan Club. Joan was on the cover of every magazine at the time, wearing as much make-up as I did and her character in Dynasty, Alexis Carrington, was the ultimate bitch. Joan's aggressive glamour appealed to me, as did her relentless ability to sell herself. She had a twinkle in her eye, she knew that we knew it was all an illusion, a commercial ruse to earn a fabulous salary with make-up and back lighting. Image was all. The title 'Joan Collins Fan Club' was deliciously self explanatory.

JULIAN WITH JOAN AND JACKIE

My appearance and my put-downs would be justified and what's more the DSS would never rumble me for earning a bit on the side. I alerted the handful of regular cabaret booking I had to my name change and wrote some new material, which I could brutally if not skilfully weave in with the old. In mock-evangelical style, I welcomed the audience to a Joan Collins convention and offered to sell them the crystallised remains of Joan's own bathwater scum, tastefully packaged and bottled for their convenience. 'A spoonful of this in your coffee each morning could change your life for the better!' There was also the Joan Collins Vanilla Disco Rub - which doubled as desert topping and lubricant! 'Imagine the fun you could have at the tea table, or indeed under it!' .. There was a lot more similar such nonsense. Sometimes the act went reasonably well, but sometimes I left the stage to a mere smattering of 'thank god that's over' applause...

JOAN HELPS JULIAN CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY

Paul Merton, a comedian who specialised in surreal stories about bus shelters and Marilyn Monroe, came to tea in Kidbrooke one afternoon and helped me write a new section called 'The Joan Collins School Of Acting - for stage, screen and airport terminal.' This involved me plucking a punter from the audience and giving him a vintage Dynasty script to read with me. I was to play the part of Alexis, of course and the hapless punter was Blake. 'My name is Blake Carrington, but you can call me big knob.'  Having new material and a proper finale meant I died less often. I was still wearing clothes from the Oxfam shop, but I splashed out on sequins and stiletto heels. Later I progressed to rubber, no creasing and just rinse under the tap when you get home!
(c) 2005 ..JULIAN CLARY ...